It's about to get real.

So I am starting to get REALLY excited about the whole birth thing. I cannot wait to hold my baby. I am already at the stage where I can feel body parts (though I can’t quite identify them, which makes me feel lame compared to all the other expectant moms in my various birth classes who are like, “Ooh, his butt’s over here!”).

On the other hand, I want the little guy or gal to stay inside as long as possible, if for no other reason than New York real estate. We just closed on an apartment purchase last week, which was the culmination of a long and incredibly stressful process, and we did it in the nick of time, since we have to be out of our rental apartment by the end of this month anyway. It’s also a huge reason why I haven’t been able to do nearly as much baby prep as I wanted to, since there is simply nowhere to put stuff yet. I hate the term “nesting,” but when I get in there in a week I’m going to nest like a motherfucker right up until my little guy or gal is born. (Did I mention that we are moving on New Year's Eve? And that we are moving in the same day the previous owners are moving out? Because moving isn't stressful enough on its own...)

Speaking of whether it’s a guy or gal, my husband has taken to calling the baby “Hermie,” in case it turns out to be a little bit of both. I am not amused!

I also just want to do all the preparation I’ve been told to do in my numerous birthing classes, including packing for the hospital, doing laundry (you have to wash all their stuff in special detergent), setting up a changing table, buying a breastpump/rocker/other stuff I still need, etc. 

Speaking of birth classes, I just finished my last hypnobirthing class last week (it had been postponed because of Sandy). I am convinced that it probably will not help me, because I am just too cynical and neurotic and cannot allow my brain/psyche to let go in the way that you’re supposed to. My husband attempted to do hypnosis on me and it was an utter failure.

Also, at the end of the day, I just think it’s too hippie-dippie. One chick in my class mentioned that she wants to do “placenta encapsulation,” which is apparently a thing that people do now because they don’t have enough other shit to spend money on. You pay some company to grind up your placenta and put it in capsules, then you take these capsules. According to the chick in my class, they are supposed to help prevent postpartum depression, which sounds like bullshit to me. Also, she explained, “We are the only mammals who don’t eat our placenta after birth.” Well, other mammals also eat their own shit, so that’s not really a good reason to do it in my book.

Oh, and I really hated the anti-hospital propaganda they kept shoving down our throats in the class (Don’t get me started on “The Business of Being Born.”). Yes, there are bad things about the medical model of birth care that ought to be updated (such as putting women on a clock when they arrive and rushing them to get induced before it’s necessary), but that doesn’t mean home birth is the answer, either. (At least it isn’t the answer for me, though I do understand why some women feel like it’s a better option for them.) For me, I’d rather end up with an unnecessary c-section that resulted in a healthy baby than indulge my fantasy of a perfect home birth and then wind up in a situation where my kid died because an emergency situation arose and there weren’t adequate medical resources around. I could never, ever live with myself if that happened. And I live in Brooklyn; the nearest good hospitals are a ways away.

Anyway, I decided to take another birth class for good measure; this one was offered at the hospital. I liked it much, much better than the hippie birthing class, even though there were things about it that bothered me too. But the best part was that the instructor looked, sounded, talked and acted EXACTLY like Jane Lynch. It was actually a little disconcerting. It was really as if a celebrity showed up to teach us childbirth preparation. I kept expecting her to whip out a microphone. 

The funny thing is, we walked in late, and we walked in right as the instructor (who was sitting in a chair facing the class with her back to the door) was hiking her legs up next to her head to demonstrate a common birthing position. I do like to make an entrance. 

Anyway, it was totally overwhelming in terms of the sheer volume of information, and I don't think we are going to use it all (I'll probably try to use the hippie-birthing breathing instead of the Lamaze breathing), but it was kind of nice to hear them talk about stuff that just never got brought up in the Hippie Birthing class. For example: "You may want an Epidural. It will not kill your baby. Here's what happens when you get one, and here's when to ask for one." Or: "We really aim for you not to have a c-section. But in some cases, if the baby is breach, you will have to have one. Here's exactly what happens." We also got a tour of the hospital, which looks nice enough. 

Of course, I still walked away feeling panicked at all the stuff I STILL have to do (pick a pediatrician, take an infant CPR class, order nursery furniture after we move, oh yeah, and pack and move everything I own). I swear, I feel like I'm gonna have this kid and then instantly keel over. 

Still--like I said. I am really excited to meet this baby.